The History of Maryport

on the North-West coast of England

The Romans

Way back in 122 AD, the Romans marched into Carlisle and on the instructions of Emporor Hadrian, immediately set about building a wall right across the country to a place appropriately called Wallsend. Having stayed there for several  years, they eventually decided to leave the North-East, primarily because they never got to grips with the Geordie accent, but also because they were baffled by the tactics of the local football team ( Ponte Aeli United )

It was winter, the weather was atrocious. For most of the time, they couldn't see where they were heading. They marched for many weeks, against gale force winds and against the advice of a lower ranking legionaire to stick to the A69, they deviated off course, missed Carlisle by a good distance and ended up in Maryport early one Sunday morning.

Exhausted after weeks of torturous walking, they needed a place to eat, drink and be merry.

Their first port of call was The Kings Arms, which was run by local entrepreneur Brianus Robinsonius, a man of no fixed political persuassion. Brianus offered them pork scratchings, ale and a guided tour of his pigeon loft. They accepted his generous offer, but left as soon as the live entertainment came on.

So, onto The Sailors Return, a traditional hostelry, where they received a warm welcome from Johannus McCalligus. However their warm welcome was short lived, Johannus caught a young legionaire trying to force a 2 Dinari coin into the pool table and ejected all of them from the pub.

Walking into town, they fell upon Knockers, designed by local architect Antonius Saul and by far the most popular pub of its day. The landlady, Jossius Bantonium was known throughout the region for her no nonsense approach to ale drinking, open coal fires and people called "Trotter". Having sampled several pints of the fine ales, Boddingtoniums and Youngus Scotchius, the legionaires became rowdy and abusive. Foreigners, wearing skirts and swearing at the locals in Latin didnt go down too well with the regulars, thus the wrath of Jossius befell them. They were given a good kicking and banished from the pub FOREVER. The ban is still in force today, you never see a gladiator in the place.

Licking their wounds, they then called into the Labourous Clubius. But after one pint they left, due to the incessant ramblings of Petus Ognius.

That night they slept in a pale green caravan near the local tip and the following day, heavily hungover, they went to the Curzon Grill for breakfast. Their stomachs full, they decided to go to the Carlton Cinema to watch "Ben Hur" and after a couple of pints in Sylvesters, they returned to Sea Brows and started work on a fort.

The fort took several years to build, but once complete, it became a focal point, where legionaires and locals alike, could meet to have a drink, sample the seafood delicacies from the local fish factory and discuss the current state of the European Economic Community and immigration.

For many years, the legionaires and the locals, lived peacefully, side by side, but the Romans were never fully accepted in Maryport until approximately eight years had passed, when they defended the town against an unruly mob of Glaswegians, who, disgruntled that the "sellout" Rangers v Celtic match wasn't being shown live on Sky TV, took it upon themselves to invade Maryport armed only with catapults, cans of McEwans Export and photo's of Mel Gibson. A vicious battle raged for four days at the top of Sea Brows, the sound of men dying echoed across the county, both sides suffered heavy losses, but it was the Romans who emerged victorious. It is said today, that if you walk along Sea Brows, past the "Green Hut", on a warm summer night, you can still hear the moans and groans.